Can I Just Be Honest?

I am completely overwhelmed.

I feel alone.  afraid.  frustrated. anxious. forgotten.

Josh and I have been in the middle of some huge life storms for quite some time now, and I feel as though at any minute we are going to be capsized.

A few months ago, Josh lost his job.  Business wasn't good enough to keep him on, so he got laid off.  Since then, he has worked any odd job he can get his hands on, all the while searching and applying for job after job.  He has installed home theater systems, done yard work, worked for a chemical pressure washing business, played drums for extra venues, and those are just the things I can think of right off.  And yet, nothing full time comes available.  And so we wait.  And keep applying.

Right after we moved to Daphne, the clutch in our car died.  After two weeks in the shop and a $1,300 repair bill, we got our car back.  Two weeks later we were t-boned by another car and our car was totaled.  Thankfully, we had liability insurance.  Sadly, that left us without a car.  We sold it for parts for $300.  We still owed $750 for the previous repairs.

So, we've worked to pay off a car that we no longer own.  My parents have been gracious to us and let us borrow one of their cars.  However, it's been over a month, and they really need their car back.  Which leaves us without a car.  Again.  And again, I am overwhelmed and scared and don't know what to do.

Meanwhile, everything that could go wrong at my job, has.  I have been in meeting after meeting with a supervisor who does anything but take care of her employees.  Instead, she calls at all hours, expects me to respond to emails at 10pm or 1am or whenever they come in, she doesn't defend my work, and she finds fault wherever she can.  I am stressed to the point of breaking, but we depend on my job.  It is holding us together.

I feel like we can't win.  We can't get ahead.  We were doing Dave Ramsey and had built up our emergency fund.  The car repairs drained it.  Now we have no savings.  We can't build it back up because we need a car.  It's a crazy cycle.

Throughout all of this, I have clung to God's promises.  I have read my Bible, and spent countless hours in prayer.  Josh and I have prayed together, and more often than not, cried together.  We know that God is good.  We know that he has promised to never leave us.  We know that he takes care of the birds of the field and he has promised to take care of us.  We have continued to be faithful in our tithing, in our giving, and in our leadership.  And yet, we feel like he's not coming.  Like he hasn't stepped in to help.  Like we are going to drown.

It all feels like too much.  I want to trust... I want to have faith.  I want to see what I believe to come true.  And yet, what if it doesn't.  What if we are left here to figure it out? What if we drown?

I feel like we are being tested.  I feel like God is stretching us, and refining us by fire.  And it hurts.  It's painful.  It's scary.  And I don't see an end to it.  Just when I see a glimmer of hope, something else happens.

I don't really know why I'm writing this, other than to clear my head.  I don't have a neat bow to wrap it up in.  I don't have a feel good answer to give.  All I have is my honesty, and my hope.  And the Bible says that hope does not disappoint us.  Here's hoping.