Kicking and Screaming and Regret

Why is change so hard?  It seems like even when I want to change, it takes an act of Congress.  I hate it.  Either it is something that I have no control over, so I feel anxious and worry, or it is something I want to do but seem to repeatedly fail at.  What's the deal?

I want to lose weight.  I need to lose weight.  I owe it to God first, and myself and Josh.  My physical appearance and health are keeping me back from doing things that I want to do.  As Josh and I move toward marriage, I want to give him my very best, and where I'm at now is about as far from best as I've ever been.  I am very overweight, and it bothers me.  All the time.  Every day.  I hate looking in the mirror.  I hate picking out clothes.  I feel gross and ugly.  And yet, I am a child of the King, and made in his image.  A beautiful creation.  Shouldn't my outward appearance reflect His beauty, just as much as my inner?

The thing is, I want it.  BAD! But getting from want to results is a strange process.  It's like there is a mental block.  Do I not want it enough?  Do I feel like I don't deserve it?  Am I afraid of failure?  I don't know.  All I do know is I don't want to continue the way I am.  I want to feel beautiful, secure and desired. 

The question is, will I ever get there?