Trapped Fireworks

“And what was said to the rose to make it unfold was said to me here in my chest, so be quiet now and rest.” – DC*B

I get to chapel this morning, feeling great. I’ve had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time. I’ve prayed, had my quiet time, and even ate breakfast. Then, the screen lights up, the music begins, and it’s the thing I’ve been avoiding for weeks: Operation Christmas Child. Now, let me explain. It’s not the concept that I was avoiding. I participate every year as best as I can. It’s the video. 5 minutes and 57 seconds of everything I’ve been dreaming of doing, but that seems to be getting farther and farther from my grasp. Cue images of impoverished children receiving a toy for the first time. Enter my uncontrollable crying.

I haven’t been able to get it off my mind all morning. I want to be there, in the middle of it all, working in the distribution warehouse, riding the rickshaw, canoe, jeep, bus, donkey, (enter your most creative form of transportation here), hearing the screams of delight, sharing in the tears of joy.

It’s one of those things that I don’t understand. I know God has a plan; He placed these dreams and desires in my heart for a reason. The thing is, I don’t see how on Earth they are going to develop. Here I am in a job I am not happy with, looking for another, making ends meet, paying off student loans, wondering why I did all this in the first place, and better yet, where all this is going to lead. And yet, my thoughts by day and dreams by night are filled with foreign places and people whose language is nothing like my own.

At this point, I’d settle for here and people who look just like me. I just want to be involved in full time missions. I want to be in the middle of it all, meeting needs, loving the poor, helpless, and hopeless. I feel like there is so much more I could be doing. Especially when moments like this remind me that Kingdom work is the only work that is ultimately going to matter.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this. Maybe it’s just to empty my mind. Sometimes it helps to talk it out with someone else, even if it is just the vast emptiness of the cyber world.

When you think about it, pray for me. Pray that God will show me what on Earth He’s doing with all this. Pray that I will listen, and not be afraid. Pray that I can be content with where I am, even while looking for where I am headed.

I’ll leave you with this. Maybe it will touch your heart like it did mine